If I’m Lucky

If I’m lucky, I have 30 years left on this planet. That’s not very long.

I spend a lot of time wondering how, as a species, the thought of our own mortality doesn’t have otherwise reasonable human beings running down the street screaming hysterically. I would understand if I saw it, I really would. Aaahhh……there’s a hysterical person shouting and flailing wildly in the street….must have just realized that life is finite. Poor bastard.

Not that realization necessarily stops the flailing and the screaming. No, I suppose we have to go a step or two further. For the Believers out there, I guess the next step is pretty obvious. The Christians get to wrap themselves up in the warm assurance that there’s a better place waiting for them. Life after death. Heaven and a loving God. Eternal existence on a cloudy Utopia. If you were a good little human in this whole life-on-earth-is-a-test-of-your-faith-do-good-and-be-rewarded-in-the-after-life thing, that is.

If you were a naughty little homo sapien….let’s just say if you lived your life to the best of your ability, you loved your fellow man, you did good unto others, you lead a moral and upstanding life, but you didn’t check “accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour” off of your to do list, you are heading to the hot- burny place. But I suppose, if you didn’t tick that particular box, chances are you don’t believe in the hot-burny place anyway, so it’s kind of irrelevant.

Apparently, and this is one of the big places where Christianity and I part ways, if you do everything right and you live an exemplary life…I mean you give the Pope a run for his money…you do all that and you still don’t accept Jesus Christ as your personal saviour…you are in big trouble when you get up to those famous gates. There’s no reward for you, sister! Do not pass go, do not collect eternal salvation. You are toast. Note the reference to the hot-burny place.

So where does that leave me? I have made mistakes in my life, that is for certain. No doubt about it. Honey, some of my fondest memories are of the bigger mistakes that I’ve made (said in my best Mae West drawl). But I’ve never knowingly or intentionally hurt another human being. Well, not one that didn’t deserve it anyway. Not even in my darkest moments.

I don’t cheat. I am honest to a fault. If I don’t get by on my own achievements, I will not have accomplished anything.

I can’t lie, unless you ask me something that will hurt you if I answer honestly. Seriously, I wish people would stop asking me things if they don’t want to know my answer! Sorry, just a little aside.

I don’t steal. If you undercharge me at the store, I’m one of those annoying types that goes back and pays what I owe. If I find your wallet, I return it to you. I’m your garden variety nice person.

But according to Christians, unless I accept Jesus Christ as my saviour here on earth, I won’t get a chance to do so at those big, shiny old gates. And down, down, down I will go. Apparently there’s some sort of rule against hedging your bets. You can’t show up on the big night and hope to buy your ticket at the door. You have to buy it in advance. They call it faith.

Now, being a non-Believer, it’s not particularly relevant for me. Just like most things, I’m pretty sure I’m right about this too. I believe that when my time on earth is done, the lights go out and I will cease to exist. Reincarnation, as a philosophy, holds no appeal to me either. What’s the point of having this fabulous new life if you have no memory of your past lives? Reincarnation has the same effect as the lights going out, in my humble opinion.

So how do I stop myself from running screaming down the street? Well, I don’t actually. It does happen every now and then. And I really don’t understand why it doesn’t happen more. Why there isn’t a secret society of street-screamers? I’d love to hear from other atheists to see how they come to terms with the whole cease-to-exist thing.

A healthy dose of denial combined with loving well, living life as honestly and as truly as I can, avoiding regret, and surrounding myself with as much happiness as possible is my current battle plan. If I’m lucky, I have 30 years left on this planet. And then, for me, there’s nothing more. I guess I better make the most of them, hadn’t I?

And if I’m wrong, I won’t need to pack a sweater.

Lessons Learned

The last two years have been the adventure of a lifetime. I have been extremely fortunate to have had the opportunity to experience it. And I had that opportunity due to the patience, love and understanding of my beautiful husband, Bill.

I can’t say that I just learned one lesson, for I learned so many – some of them more than once! I can honestly say that I stretched myself further than I ever have before in my life. Further, in fact, than I ever wanted to. I learned things about myself and became stronger. I flew past learning about fear and became intimately familiar with terror. I learned that terror, quite literally, stinks.

We started our business, Scotia Vacations. And it still continues now. It’s a break-even venture. It didn’t turn out to be the year-round money-making venture that we hoped. I would say that there is potential for expansion, but I don’t think we’re going to take it there. It would likely take an infusion of cash that I’m not sure that I want to part with. Two years of parting with our hard-earned cash has made me a little jumpy on the subject.

I didn’t just fulfill one dream. Due to less than perfect circumstances (and a bit of sheer desperation), I fulfilled my lifelong dream to practice Real Estate. Oh God, how I hate real estate!!! I was horrible at it. It is not a world that I want to live in. I may decide one day to take what I learned about Real Estate and pursue something on the peripheral edges of the field. But I will never willingly enter the fray again. But I LEARNED! And I tried it. And now my questions are no longer unanswered.

So where are we now? In a quiet and happy place of stability. Chaos did not suit us. Not at all. I have returned to working for “the man”. Working for myself = chaos. Working for the man = quiet happy place of stability. And this is what I learned. I’m back in Social Services. Why? Because I’m bloody good at it.

Am I finished with adventure? God, I hope not. I just hope that the rest of my adventures do not take us as close to the edge of financial ruin as this one did. So for me, the adventure was not, apparently, about trying something that I have always wanted to do and being wildly successful at it and going in another wonderful direction for the rest of my life.

For me, my adventure was trying something I have had a burning need to try my entire life and learning. I learned that it is likely that I never traveled that path before in my life because I was already where I was meant to be.

Eau de Fear

I never knew that terror stank.

It's a smell that means your balls are against the wall. There's nowhere left to run. You made a wrong move, and now you're gonna pay. All you gotta do is figure out what the price is gonna be. And all you know is, you can't afford it.

All your life you stayed two steps ahead of the game. Duckin' and divin', showing off some fancy footwork. Never reaching the lofty heights, but Christ, you did OK.

You start lookin' around at what other people've got and you're on the road to a whole lotta hurt. It's not smart to have dreams, anyone'll tell you that.

Thing is, you gotta take your chance when it comes your way. It's not like there's a whole cherry tree full of chances in your back yard just waiting for you to walk up and take your pick.

"Get up shit-for-brains." Vinny's henchman was not impressed.

I got up. Slowly.

"Vinny don't take kindly to being double-crossed. And you're so shit-stupid, you couldn't even get it right. You fucked up, you got greedy. We caught you, so say goodbye."

Damned if that cherry tree didn't have a few precious jewels on 'em. Damn right I picked 'em.

Vinny could kiss my ass.

I rolled Vinny's henchman up in the tarp and shoved the red ruby between his teeth, the smell of his own terror clinging to his quickly drying sweat.

One Crow Sorrow

The night is dark, but the moon casts its light over the open field, covering it like a blanket soaked in mercury. The trees at the edge of the clearing beckon like blackened skeletons, calling me closer, closer, drawing me in.


“You are the keeper of all knowledge. You are the sacred law. You are an omen of change. Through you, I will know the truth. Tell me what I must know.”


The crow does not answer, mocking me harshly with its grating cry. It knows I will follow. I am compelled. I have no choice.


“What message do you have for me? Enlighten me, please! What am I supposed to learn?”


Deeper into the night, deeper into the heart of the shadows, the crow is silent as it cuts a path through the frigid air, taking me where I understand that I must go.


“What do you want from me?”


The crow speaks, “My son, you must change your path. This way darkness lies. You have a good heart, but it grows cold and empty. You have dreams, but you do not seek them. You have life, but you do not live it. You walk alone.


“You were a child and can hold no blame. It was not your fault.”


“But I trusted…”


“And you were betrayed. Trust yourself now, love yourself now and peace will follow.”


The crow wraps me within its soft, gentle wings and leads me toward the warmth of the rising sun.

12th Annual Clarity of Night Short Fiction Contest

Announcing the 12th Annual Clarity of Night Short Fiction Contest. If you enjoy writing, this is a great way to flex your writing mucsles and get those creative juices flowing.

Pop over to Jason's site http://clarityofnight.blogspot.com/ and have a look. Contest rules are posted here http://clarityofnight.blogspot.com/2010/01/silhouette-short-fiction-contest.html

The basic idea is to write a piece of short fiction, no longer than 250 words, based on the picture that Jason posts. This contest is based on the picture shown here, titled "Silhouette".

My brother and two sisters and I have been entering this contest for a while now, and it's great fun. The anticipation is delicious. It's a very supportive environment in which to spread your wings.

Go on...submit an entry...you know you want to!

Good luck!